Losing the battle

Ever had one of those days..no...weeks...no...months...no...lives?  OK, it's not as bad as that, but it's bad.

I missed some work due to illness (mine, and the family's.)  I had to make up the missed work, since most of my job can't be done by anyone else (seriously, what if I die?  Then what will they do?)  My van broke down last night, to the tune of at LEAST $250. (can you say "when it rains it pours"?)

Something didn't get entered into the checkbook.  My fault?  Probably.  The snowball effect of a result killed us this week.  We used to live like this every week, no more than 2 years ago, but I'm not used to it any more.  I don't know what we'll do.  I was depressed all day over it, and that accomplished nothing.  Being sad doesn't fix anything.

Saturday is the 2 year anniversary of the death of Kevin's brother, Steve.  His mom wants....no, scratch that...NEEDS him down there, and he had planned to go.  It will NOT happen, now.  There is to be a service and she needs the support.  Ain't happenin'.  He told her, and it was like a dagger going into her heart.  She is as broke as we are, yet offered to get the money we need.  Bless her heart.  We can't let her go into debt that she can't repay, just to fix our stupid errors.

The wind is howling outside, and it adds to the depression.  I don't get depressed often.  I'm usually the upbeat, glass-half-full person at home and at work.  I can see the bright side of just about anything.  Not today. I think sometimes I just need to be sad.  There was no beer for Survivor tonight, but I had enough cash left to get the kids their IBC rootbeer and a can of Pringles.  No need for them to suffer for my mistake, right?  They're none the wiser...why bother kids with money issues.  A person shouldn't drink beer when they're depressed anyway, so it's for the best.  Actually, I'm still recovering from the flu, so it's a good thing.

I should be thankful...Hell, I AM thankful.  I have a wonderful Dad who lets me borrow his car for a couple of days.  Otherwise, I'd be taking Kevin to work at 5:30am, coming back home (25 miles each way) to get the kids ready, and going to work (40 miles.)  I have a wonderful Mom who watches my kids through health and sickness, and lets me postpone payment for a week when needed (P.S.  It's needed this week!)

The kids are happy with so little.  They don't demand a lot, or even ask a lot.  When they DO ask, they accept a "no" with such grace.  I have a home that I can call my own.  I have a hard-working husband and many extras.  For example:  We have cell phones for when the van breaks down, "grandma-great blankets" for the cold nights, warm coats to fight the sudden cold spell, friends who offer love and support, and little things like journals, to spill your guts and get past the crying spell.

Yup, this journal earned it's keep tonight. 

Sleep well, friends.  I'll be better tomorrow.  I always am.