*sigh*

Well, it's been a tough night.  A damn tough night.  I found out today that I need to fly to Dallas/Fort Worth next weekend.  There is a big festival (Maple Leaf Festival, to be exact) in Carthage (Kevin's home town) that he HAS to attend next weekend.  No, you don't understand.  He NEVER misses Maple Leaf.  He's used to this being my busy time at work, and used to me missing it.  He goes with my blessing, and has a good time.

Now, he'll go and take both girls with him.  Godspeed, Kevin.  He'll do fine, and so will they, but I worry.  He had them all weekend a few days back, so I could go out of town...now he's doing it again.  Poor guy.  He doesn't mind...heck, he doesn't even complain. I just worry.

Another thing that makes it hard is this:  Kevin's brother, as a fireman, was very active in Maple Leaf Festival.  He made pancakes for the city-wide pancake feed at the fire station.  Best pancakes in the world, dammit!  (that's what Steve said.)  The girls are having a hard time with it.  Natalie wanted to talk to Kevin alone tonight, and they both cried and talked and looked through the clippings and stuff that Kevin has.  I am, once again, wondering how many tears I have in my body.  Hell, they just keep coming. 

She went to bed, OK, and seemed fine. Both girls have been to the counselor, needing to talk about Steve.  They have drawn pictures and talked and thought it out.  I think we're doing the right things, but how can you know?  I mean, I still cry sometimes, and I'm not sure that *I* am dealing with it right.  How can I make sure the girls are dealing with it?

I guess, deep down, I am comfortable with things.  We won't get over it, and probably won't even deal with it for quite some time.  Steve should still be here.  It's not fair.  Maple Leaf was his time to shine.  Yeah, he saved lives.  Yeah, he saved souls.  Yeah, he took care of anyone who knew him.  But he made the best damn pancakes in the world...remember? 

Damn.

I'll go to Ft. Worth and help a customer.  Kevin will go to Maple Leaf and deal with the girls.  Life goes on.  Steve would say, "Quit crying and do what you have to do.  What's the big deal?  I'm fine, but you're stressin' out.  Just chill....just chill."  I miss you Steve.  My whole family misses you.